My temple dilemna
Feelings on temple worship
“Okay, here goes. I'm really nervous about writing this post, but as part of a class, I'm committed to do so. A few of you know this already, but I don't really publicly discuss it. I struggle a lot with one particular commitment in the temple. I have not attended an endowment session for a number of years because of it. I've tried to ignore it and continue to tell myself, "oh, I'll next week," but I always find reasons not to.
For the past few weeks, I've been taking a class on conflict management. Last week we were supposed to come to class with a grudge about something. I finally decided to unpack that tightly-sealed glitter bomb of an emotional box I call the endowment ceremony and bring it to class.
We were asked to work with a partner. We would both hold ends of a rope and keep it tight. As we held the rope and felt the tension wear on us, we discussed the following:
1. I'm still holding on because . . .
I'm still holding on because letting go would mean leaving my faith. I don't mean leaving my church, but my faith in what I truly believe. I'm too much a part of it and it's too much a part of me to leave. It wouldn't be resolved if I let go of my conflicted and resentful feelings right now. I can't let God down.
2. The emotions I'm experiencing around this are . . .
The emotions I'm experiencing around this are confusion, anger, disappointment, loyalty, faithfulness, anxiety, peace, and the rest of the entire spectrum.
3. The consequences/impact of this on myself & my relationships is . . .
The consequences/impact of this on myself and my relationships are internal turmoil. I can bury my feelings and think of a carefully-worded somewhat cheerful response when asked about this, but in reality, I feel like I'm in limbo.
4. The benefits of letting go for me & my relationship is . . .
The benefits of letting go for me and my relationship with the temple would be inner peace for the time being, but most likely regret in the future. I believe too much of it to truly feel at peace. However, I don't feel at peace when I attend either. Aghhhh! That's why I packed this box neatly away!
5. I choose to let go . . .
At this point the exercise I was supposed to let go of the rope. I couldn't. I feel like I would be letting go of my faith in God and Jesus Christ if I did so. I'm still in the fight.”
